What’s the craziest thing you ever said to your students?

Kids say the darndest things. But teachers do, too!  Between bathroom conversations, weird smells, bizarre use of school supplies, and suspicious animal noises coming from backpacks, how could you not?

Huge list of crazy things teachers say

I posted the above image on my Facebook page and asked teachers to share the craziest thing they’ve ever heard come out of their own mouths. I had tears rolling down my face reading the entire comment thread on Facebook and picked the best ones for you here. Feel free to add your quips in the comments below!

“Go down to the cafeteria and look behind the piano for your tooth.” (That’s my craziest quote!)

“We don’t suck the juice out of the markers or drink the Elmers glue.” (Belinda R.)

“We don’t chew gum we find behind the bench!” (Kathern R.)

“Why are you eating the test paper?” (Sam C.)

“Why are you sucking on his earbuds?” (Tracy N.)

“The urinal cake is not candy. You cannot lick it or eat it.” (Jennifer A.)

“Whose underwear is in the garbage?” (Emillie H.)

“Did you have underwear on when you went INTO the bathroom?!” (Jodilee W.)

“Please don’t place your dirty underwear in your desk…” …after I finally figured out three days later where the smell was coming from. (Holly A.)

In PE class: “ Leave Johnny’s balls alone. You’ve got two of your own to play with!” (Clare M.)

“Put your dangly thing back in your pants…”  …referring to the cord to make a boys pants tighter. (Kathleen A.)

“Come here and I will punch you…” …punch cards for positive behavior.  (Carrie H.)

“Why is there poop on your scissors?” (Anna J.)

“Please stop cleaning your belly button with your pencil.” (Michelle L.)

“Do NOT wipe your boogers on the white board!” (Ginger S.)

“Don’t use your glue stick for lip gloss!” (Kathy D.)

“We don’t sit on our friends!” (Melissa D.)

“Please don’t lick your tablemate.” (Stacey S.)

“Get your finger out of Jason’s nose! We do not stick our fingers in other people’s noses!” (Jackie B.)

“Did you have your shoes on when you left your house this morning?” (Pennie D)

“No, I don’t want to smell your stinky finger.” (Susan M.)

“Shut your butt pocket.” (Kasey B)

“Did you not know the squirrel was in your pants?!” (Lisa K.)

“Is that meowing I hear in your backpack?” (Jill R.)

“Stanley, stop barking!” (Alice M.)

“No, the urinal isn’t a midget shower!” (Helen B.)

The health teacher asked them to make models of reproductive organs with foil, string, and other materials. It was the best way for them to learn the different parts, except when seventh grade boys come back to my English class. I said, “Please stop swinging your testicles on your pencil. Put them in your pocket where they belong.” (Colleen T.)

I taught Gr. 9 physical education and had to teach about the various STDs. I decided that I would break the class into groups and each group would do a presentation on an STD. Fast forward to the day of presentations. I stood at the front of the class and said, “Okay, who has herpes?” You could hear a pin drop until a fit of giggles started at the back of the room. (Kim G.)

“If Maya misses a period then Marcus is in trouble…” …explaining about group grammar work accountability. (Andrea B.)

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard yourself saying in the classroom?

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Angela is a National Board Certified Teacher with 11 years of classroom experience and 7 years experience as an instructional coach. As founder of Due Season Press and Educational Services, she has created printable curriculum resources, 4 books, 3 online courses, the Truth for Teachers podcast, and The 40 Hour Teacher Workweek Club. Subscribe via email to get her best content sent to your inbox!

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Sandie October 30, 2014 at 10:04 am

Thanks for the uproariest start to my new day! Too typical!!!

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2 Allison -Homemade Speech October 30, 2014 at 7:58 pm

I’m a speech-language pathologist and I find myself saying these things, too! These had me laughing so hard!

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3 Trudy October 30, 2014 at 8:04 pm

Not the funniest thing I’ve ever said but the funniest conversation I’ve ever had with a kid, or two Grade three kids in this case.
Me: “Ok boys, **(girl) said she saw you doing something disgusting in the playground. Do you know what that might be?”
Boy: “We were humping the tanbark Miss”
Me: (keeping straight face) Oh, um how did that happen?”
Boy: **( boy) made the shape of a lady in the tan bark and we….well…we were pretending to hump it. (not smiling or anything, serious blank faces)
At this stage their honesty had me completely dumbfounded.
Me: “Can you understand why **(girl) was a bit upset to see that?”
Boys: nodding “Mmm, we wont do it again Miss”.

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4 Kristi November 5, 2014 at 7:55 pm

Jill R. … I don’t know which is funnier, the fact that you had to say that or the fact that I had to say the EXACT same thing about 10 years ago. It was a 5 week old kitten that the child stole out of a box of kittens on her way to school!

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5 Jess December 26, 2014 at 10:40 pm

Craziest thing(s) I’ve had to say to my students:
“We do NOT stick our hands in our poop!”
“Stop putting spit in your belly button!”
“We are big girls, and big girls don’t eat glue.”
“Chairs are for sitting, not eating.”
“Get your finger out of her trach!”
“We don’t eat other people’s spit!”

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6 Angela Watson December 28, 2014 at 6:53 pm

Hah! These are great!

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7 Melissa Martinez March 23, 2015 at 7:43 pm

“If you dropped your underwear in PE, please pick it up as we go back to class!”

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8 Amy May 4, 2015 at 9:29 pm

I was working with my 3rd graders when the principal brought in a new student. I welcomed her to the class, got her what she needed and we went on with our day. All of the sudden one of my students cried out “Ms. Finley, Linda took out her eye!!” She turns around and sure enough, she was holding her glass eye in her hand. I say, in a panic, “Linda, put your eye back in!!” My class had never been so quiet.

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9 Lisa June 3, 2015 at 1:01 pm

I was walking down the hallway to pick my students up from art when I heard a teacher assistant say “I’m hearing voices behind me, that’s not good, Mrs. Johnson are you hearing voices too?…..” what other job can we say that to a coworker and not think she is crazy?

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10 elaina August 25, 2015 at 4:25 pm

I teach preschoolers. Told a boy to stop playing with the toilet paper in the toilet and to stop taking it out and putting on the floor

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